ADHD & Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
RSD absolutely ruled the roost for me for a long time and took me to some very dark places…
Rejection sensitive dysphoria had me going to therapy, always putting the blame on myself for relationships going Pete Tong…
I did all of the courses and inner work, trauma and attachment styles… It helped me understand other areas that I needed to explore, but not the intense emotions that came quickly and suddenly.
RSD is a misunderstood symptom of ADHD and is an intense emotional response to perceived or real rejection. It is physically and emotionally painful and traumatic to experience.
A significant number of those with ADHD consider RSD to be the most challenging part of living with ADHD.
It makes relationships and receiving feedback extremely difficult and creates a deep sense of shame around our heightened sensitivity.
RSD can appear in many different aspects of our lives, affecting our personal and professional lives.
RSD in relationships can appear similar to an anxious attachment style, the difference with RSD is that these moments when RSD appears, the emotional changes are sudden and intense, feeling a deep sense of rejection and feelings of being unworthy of love, not good enough, and extreme negative self talk. These ‘episodes’ can last for hours or days and also have physical symptoms such as pain in the chest, stomach, feelings of paralysis and digestive issues.
We can also be affected by Rejection sensitive dysphoria in other areas of our lives:-
Perceived rejection from others e.g. silence on their end, maybe they haven’t replied to a text, call, this then leads to cognitive distortions and RSD.
Not living up to our own or others/ perceived expectations (Perfectionism)
Social situations where we feel judged/ shame around who we are
Criticism, whether constructive or not, can be extremely difficult and often leads to employment issues.
Conflict/ arguments
Fear of letting down others
Episodes of RSD will almost always have a clear trigger, and the emotional response and intense mood change is instantaneous.
It can be really difficult to explain to loved ones and colleagues/ managers and can lead to people pleasing, a distorted sense of self, low self esteem, depression, anxiety and masking. We are unable to show up as ourselves and our identity becomes lost.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria only really emerged with more knowledge and understanding in the 2000’s and isn’t on the DSM-5.
What are some things we can do to help manage RSD?
Educate and become aware of RSD. When we learn how RSD works, what our specific triggers are, we can focus on tools to help manage episodes and look at other possible outcomes.
What are your values/ strengths? Take some time to explore these. It can take time to discover what our values are when we have been masking for so long.
To identify some strengths, ask trusted friends/ family. Ask yourself how you have overcome your most challenging times in life.
What kind of people/ activities bring you closer to your authentic self? What does it feel like when you are around these people/ doing what you love? This is where we want to be. And where we want to look at aligning our values.
Movement. As simple as this sounds, what we experience when it comes to RSD is physical as well as emotional. Moving our body or working with our breath in a way that feels safe to us can help us regulate our nervous system.
Can Coaching work for RSD?
If you feel that RSD is taking the lead in your life Therapeutic Coaching can help you discover tools and strategies for managing and reducing episodes and also help you explore your sense of self again and claim back your power through discovering your authentic self.
ADHD & Mental health
When I was 14 Years old, I was told I would never amount to anything and I was lazy and ‘incapable’.
This was one of my high school teachers.
I was super creative, took music and art, but struggled to concentrate in the classroom.
I was permanently taken out of one of those classes and never got the chance to continue to study it.
Unfortunately, for those with ADHD this is a pretty universal experience.
Before the age of 12, people with ADHD experience 20,000 more corrective or negative comments than their peers.
Imagine being told multiple times a day as a child…
‘you’re not doing xy right’
‘you’re just lazy’
‘Try harder’
‘They can do it, why can’t you?’
When we constantly receive these messages, we grow up with a very shaky sense of self.
A low self esteem, people pleasing, perfectionism and over achieving tendencies. Which leads us into repeating cycles of burnout.
The feeling of inadequacy is always there, it affects our ability to take on new challenges/ goals, and simply just trying something new… Imposter syndrome creeps in along with anxiety.
Everyday life can become exhausting.
We need more support, compassion, and education around neurodiversity and the effects it has on the mental health of children, and adults.
I started out in the coaching world almost 10 years ago wanting to help improve the wellbeing of others, and that has pivoted into a desire to change how we see mental health and ADHD.
The more conversations we have about mental health, the more we shut down stories of shame and open up safe and inclusive spaces where people in need can ask for help.
Want to know how I can support you, a loved one or your business/ organisation?
Drop me a message, or book in for a brew and a chat to find out how 1-1 coaching, awareness sessions/ talks could support you.
ADHD and our Sense of Self.
It all begins with an idea.
Our sense of self is developed when we know our values, strengths, our purpose, passions, skills and attributes. It is our identity and our self image and when we have a strong sense of self, an unshakeable knowing of who we are, we live in alignment with our values, morals and purpose. We can develop confidence and set healthy boundaries, take action to achieve our goals and feel fulfilled.
By the age of 12, children with ADHD have received 20,000 more negative or corrective comments than their neurotypical peers. These comments and experiences of feeling that our voices are not heard, we are misunderstood, too sensitive or ‘too much’ can form our belief systems and narratives.
For those of us with ADHD, we develop narratives and limiting beliefs , ones of shame, feeling inadequate, not smart enough or good enough. Our beliefs and narratives draw from these experiences when we are faced with what we might see as a potential threat. This could be a new job, an interview, new relationships, dating, or social settings. Our subconscious tells us that from our past experience this has only lead to a negative experience.
Our sense of self is left warped and our self image unstable. Aiming for traditional milestones instead of aligning with our own values and purpose may be a way of masking which ultimately leads to burnout.
To strengthen our sense of self we can first start to listen to our inner critic from a different perspective, when does this voice show up? What am I triggered by? Is there a pattern? Set the intention of observing these thoughts without judgement.
Reframing your story. What are the stories we are telling ourselves? I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. They won’t like me. Is this true? Or could it be that we have been misunderstood and we aren’t aware of our attributes or strengths due to our low self esteem?
I struggled in the working world from the very first job I had, it left me feeling inadequate and like a failure, which had a lasting impact on me for many years until I learned about my ADHD and began reframing…
“I am not a failure or inadequate. I was misunderstood and expected to work in the same way as everyone else. I didn’t get the chance to ask for reasonable requests and therefore was faced with trying to fit into a neurotypical way of working.”
It actually showed that despite being misunderstood again and again, I didn’t quit. Which was the beginning uncovering my values and attributes…
Our experiences of being misunderstood do not define us. We are so much more than the our experiences and we are capable of so much more than we think we are.
To help get you started on your journey of self discovery I have created a self coaching worksheet to help you identify stories, patterns and narratives, along with your values, strengths and help integrate your rejected self and practice self compassion. You can do this self paced in your own time.